Madoka Magica: Rebellion

It's trauma time, baby!

I'm so sorry to have done it again - The bait and switch. Last week? That was just the backstory necessary for this week when we tackle Madoka Magica Rebellion as a masterful allegory for PTSD.

The stage is set. Full spoilers ahead for Rebellion, probably the series and I'm sure we're going to be talking about broken brains, eating disorders, bad relationships, shitty families, you know. The usual. It's an Amber Audra Essay, baby!!

Enjoy the movie! It's on YouTube for free in great quality though it is a lengthy watch. And I have to admit I did have a lot of trouble with it on first watch. I was lucky enough to see it in theaters when it first came out and I did not like it at all! It wasn't until I recently rewatched that I decided to stan. Homura, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

The film opens with wall to wall fan service for a good 20 minutes - It's the Puella Magi Holy Quintent. All 5 magical girls, Madoka included, are here fighting nightmares of all things, in full Sailor Scout style. But why? Well, the world's broken. And it's our favorite PTSD ridden girl Homura Akemi's fault.

You see, her brain has cracked. In the time since the series has ended, she began to doubt reality and herself and doubt Madoka ever existed, gaslighting herself into despair. In her labyrinth, she's haunted by her worst moments and her failures. It was so much better in her fake world.

When I first saw Rebellion, the fan service, laid on so thick really soured me on the movie but now it clicks. And it serves a dual purpose. Not only is it the PTSD comfort fantasy Homura uses to self soothe, but it also is literally a portrait of her at her sickest, masking the fact that she is a witch to all her friends and even herself because she doesn't even have a clue how bad it really is.

But of course the period of rose colored glasses can't last. Soon, Homura realizes she's in a labyrinth, and it's a horrifying moment when she realizes it's her own.  The downfall is gradual at first, then swift when the pieces begin to crumble, much like all breakdowns. When she was sick and masking, she could act like it was fine. But when she began to pick at her scabs, the blood began pouring out too fast to stop. Suddenly, she was dying. And she wanted to.

It's easier to die than recover.

What struck me about Homura and how she related to eating disorder trauma in particular is that when her memories start coming back, they seem to start coming back in a way that felt very familiar to me. After months of not eating, when I started again, things came back I'd forgotten. Sometimes they were small things. Sometimes they were things from years ago. Every time, they felt like an unwelcome intrusion.

As Homura's mind begins to fix itself, she suffers from flashbacks and nightmares. Visions of mercy killing Madoka bleed together with Madoka's self harmed arms reaching out towards a sobbing Homura. She no longer recognizes the world around her and even the familiars Homura unknowingly created throw tomatoes at her. She has no friends. If she ever did, they abandoned her long before she transformed into this.

Something that's often overlooked is that getting better and getting worse go hand in hand with eating disorders. In recovery, you lose friends, you lose partners, you lose jobs, you lose your self esteem as your body changes and you have to rediscover yourself. You get bitter. Healing fucking sucks. And it takes a long time.

This is the truth of having an eating disorder: You're the monster. You created the monster and now you can't control it and it's taken you over. As Homura severs her own head, letting it fall to the ground and crunch beneath her feet as she mindlessly walks over it, she isn't in control anymore. Confronted by her own memories, all she can do is wish for death.

And the thing about recovery is that you don't always win the battle. Even if you had hope, you don't always get your way.  Your plan doesn't always work. Homura refuses to heal and splits Madoka's God form from her teen self, just to have a broken shard of her old friend back, even though that shard isn't... Right. She keeps her alleged friends in prison and busts their minds to keep them docile. It's cruel. It's inhumane. And to be completely honest with you all, I don't blame her. I am a selfish fool and even if I do what's best as an adult woman, in my heart, I would love to break the universe, kill God, and get my way. It would be great to keep everyone I love in a fish bowl where we can eat all of our meals together and we can do the things we want to do together and in there, none of the hurtful things exist. Maybe a therapist would be right to hate me. Maybe I'm sick.

Lately I've been thinking about dying a lot in passing. I can't, of course. I have responsibilities. Sometimes, death seems like the ultimate fuck you to everyone who keeps telling me "You got this, you can do this, you're doing great" when I've been asking for help, asking people to go out to lunch with me when they never do. Homura had no friends in Mitakihara City. Of course her little fish bowl was better. Of course she'd rather be the villain. At least she got her friends.

Sadly, I'm not as interesting as Homura. My rage is more mundane and not illustrated by Inu Curry. Though I suppose if anyone did make a manga of my life, the themes of the year would really fit with Asano. So let's talk about more manga next week (?) with Goodnight Punpun (probably another multi-parter! Sorry!)